I never really wrote much about this part of my life. Except for maybe a few private tweets or whatever. So let me try, now a year later to talk about these weeks. What went on, what I experienced.
The events in this posts are the trigger/catalyst for starting my journey to find my true passion.
I’m trying to reconstruct this based on memory. I didn’t keep a diary or anything. I try to look at my google calendar for clues really. Just so that’s out-of-the-way, let me start. Let me go back to March 2011.
On Monday March 7th 2011 I reported in ill. I had a headache, was feeling really dizzy and probably more. It seemed a bit like the flu. I slept tons, really tons. At first I thought I might have over-exhausted myself again. I have in the past and after a good day of sleeping I was usually back on my feet.
Nothing like that, I felt weird, I was restless and tired constantly. Since it didn’t get better I slowly started to suspect it wasn’t the flu or exhaustion. There was more going on.
On Thursday March 17th I went to the doctor. His immediate response to my miserable state was, “this is not you.” Then again from the moment I had sat down in the waiting room I felt horrible. My heart wouldn’t calm down, I was shaking. And when I was with the doctor I could barely tell what was going on, I was shaking and crying and still my heart was racing. Objectively, I was a mess.
The doctor quickly concluded I was stressed out and needed to calm the hell down. He said, “over the weekend I want you to relax. Take a walk on the beach or something, just unwind and get away from your day-to-day life.” I had to come back on Tuesday to see how it went.
Instantly things started to happen, mostly because my mom jumps right on something like this and wants it fixed. We had a good discussion. She sat down with me and asked me, if nothing in the world mattered, what do you want? If money, time and all that wasn’t an issue, what do you want?
Yeah, what did I want? I stared back at her. She assured me not to think about it and just blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.
“I want to lay in bed all day.” Or something similar popped up. I want all my trouble to go away, I want to be me again. You can figure out the answers. It’s a good question, though it relies on knowing your dreams. On daring to have them.
I want to freaking just do what I’m doing without all these people chasing me! Yes it took a long discussion, but in the end I was just overwhelmed with my life. Everything. Not 1 cause was defining for my state.
You hear a lot when someone gets a burn out or something that this or that wasn’t working out for them. For me, everything was just slightly off course. The problem with that is finding a way to fix it.
I walked on the beach and relaxed as ordered. By the time Tuesday rolled in I was doing a lot better. At the doctor he advised me to tackle one problem at a time and start working half days starting the following week. And soon after that continue as I were.
Since by now I was more than two weeks out of the running, I needed to see the company doctor on Thursday. To address the work problem bit of my life, I was also seeing my manager the same day.
Because this world is all about being unclear, the company doctor totally and completely disagreed with my doctor. I was absolutely not going back to work. He heard me out even more than my doctor did. He explained about cortisol and adrenaline. And pretty much put together a schedule for me to get back to work. And he recommended coaching for me. To get my life straight on all levels.
Next up was the meeting with my manager. I was going to clearly explain to him I didn’t have ambitions and I just wanted to do what I’m doing and not grow to places the company seemed to set out for. And that’s exactly what I did. It meant that if this meeting wasn’t going to work out, I would need to find another job. It was pretty much at that point. It’s a company with pressure on growth and ambition. The meeting did go well. Apparently my perspective was not totally correct. I was probably growing just fine. And we made a deal that I could just stay where I was and when I was ready to go somewhere else I’d let him know.
I also talked to him about what the company doctor had said. Apparently my manager also had this idea to get coaching for me.
I was left with two options there, I could go with the in-house coach of the company, or a coach of some other company. I would have a meeting with both and then I could make my choice. Peachy.
At the same time, things in my personal situation where changing. I was living on my own just over a year. It was a bad neighborhood, I wasn’t ready and it was just plain out making me feel horrible and stressed. During that time I had already moved to living on an air-bed at my parents. I was taking a step back in my development and moving back home. I sold my house and thanks to a buy back guarantee I had my money in three months. Unfortunately I also lost a lot of money, since the house was worth less than when I bought it. However the move totally helped me to relax a lot more.
Still for weeks and weeks I kept having a spastic heart, who would leap into overdrive at its own will. I had trouble sleeping mostly, making me exhausted. Luckily my current client (same as back then), is not very stressful work, so I could slowly go back to work without much problems.
During my coaching sessions I realized a lot of things about myself and the situation I was in. Slowly my eyes opened. More things changed and on September 2nd I ended the relationship I was in. It was a manipulative and horrible relationship. My parents didn’t even tell anyone I was in that relationship, my mom was firmly against it actually. I don’t want to go into detail, let’s just say it was bad and I’m glad that it’s over. Ever since then I’m regaining the pieces of myself that I had lost.
Now that it’s all over, now a year later, I haven’t felt better! I recently moved out of my parents home again. And I am so excited about my new place, I absolutely love it! And I’m actually ready for it now!
I’ve met wonderful new people, strengthened bonds with others. Life’s been good. And you know what? I’m happy this all happened when it did. Why? Because I still have my whole life ahead of me! And now my number 1 goal is to figure out what I truly want.
Don’t get me wrong though, I now know I’m sensitive for this. I had times when I felt I was getting stressed out again. When things pile up and all that. However, now I realize the early symptoms (my dear spastic heart) and when to take a step back and relax.